I don’t want to travel anymore.  I just want to be home.

A series of events have unfolded at warp speed over the past few years. Starting in 2004 when I got struck by a taxi and broke my leg, I turned my life of stressful routine into a life of adventure, accumulating dreams and fulfilling them with an aggressive enthusiasm. I’ve taken my happiness seriously when it should have been taken with lightness. I have made life’s leisures into a life. But I don’t want it anymore. I’ve proven you can make travel your life and, to myself, I have proven that it can be just as lonely as it can be fulfilling. And right now, I’m exhausted.

I’ve overcome hardships with as strong a positive attitude as possible, wondering when I would hit rock bottom. It never happened. I just kept going – floating for fear of drowning, or “rolling with the punches” as one friend put it. Before Jet Set Zero came along I had already let my stubborn enthusiasm 1) guide me to Europe, 2) volunteer in Kenya and become embedded in rural Kenyan politics, 3) produce my documentary A Chance for Peace (with zero prior experience) immediately following Kenya’s post-election violence, and lastly, it was all topped off with my apartment burning down rendering me homeless and broke as I struggled to finished school. Why am I tell you all this? Because I could pretend that this life of travel is all sunshine and freedom, but it isn’t. The reality – since that is what we are here to share – is that it is also extremely taxing and I don’t want to keep it up anymore for me or for anyone. If anything it is a job I love, not the entirety of a life I want to live. Not for me. Not anymore. There but be a balance.

I’m so thankful for Jet Set Zero and for everyone I’ve met along the way since I first started walking again after breaking my leg those years ago. I’m eager to carry out all the mental, emotional, and spiritual acrobatics I have tumbled through, but I can’t do that in flight. I need roots. I’ve been uplifted by so many experiences and have been empowered to continue traveling as I see so many people becoming inspired by my trips. More will come, undoubtedly, but for now I have to stop.

Today I write you still stuck in India and I don’t know how and when I will be home. I consider my stay here one last lesson that’s telling me its time to go back to California and build my home and life. Again. Hopefully this one wont burn down like the last one. The night I watched it all burn I said to myself, “Destruction gives way to creation.” It’s time to lay the foundation. I can worry about adventure – and appreciate it more – once my roots are firmly planted.

Happy holidays, ladies and vagabonds. See ya when I see ya. It’s been hella real.

PS: I’m working hard to get onwards and upwards, but if anyone would like to make an offering of Frequent Flier Miles in exchange for some grade-A karma, I would not object. So holler. Peace and love, y’all.

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I am a fraud.

I’ve espoused to others what I consider my wisdoms, my “lessons learned from a life of travel” and I have been deluded by my own ignorance.

I used to say that my outlook on life was based on a keen awareness of the fragility of life, but instead of nurturing it, I have strangled it, tying a wire around the neck of the world and squeezing out its wisdom, join, and pain. So don’t listen to my “words of wisdom” because I know nothing. If anything, I can tell you that wisdom is not something to be taught or learned. It is a consequence of life. It doesn’t lie in your will to achieve your goals or your desire to “be a better person”, nor is it stamped in your passport, as I mistakenly thought.

Achievement and desire have been my downfall. In the West, it’s conditioned by society that time is limited, so hurry up, work hard, and do “right”. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m tired of that tension. What some call “the American dream” has taken me further away from enjoying the reality of each moment, and into a  future where the only thing that is certain is a constant start of want and reach. My drive to be something extraordinary, I now realize, is totally ordinary and not noble at all. And the strength of my desires has produced just as much stress and suffering as life-changing moments. But life is always naturally in flux, it doesn’t need me to hurry it along. In short, my mind needs rest from want.

I have said before that the more I see the less I know. On JS0: Thailand, I wont be surprised if I am, at least in part, portrayed as “the spiritual one”, but my search is coming to a close. I’m learning that the best thing I can do for my spirit is to let it breathe, not smother my mind is philosophy, theology, and history. All these years of travel and circumstantial transience have taught me that there are no answers and there is no “me”. I know nothing and this supposed-former-wisdom-junkie would happily rather be your fool.

That is my confession. Little melodramatic maybe, but sometimes it comes with the territory.

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I’m not sure this is what I wanted.  After what was one of the hardest days of my life and a good two days of traveling, I finally reached my home town of Calhoun, Louisiana. As I am typing this blog, I will admit that the tears are steadily running down my face. Two days ago, I left Chiang Mai, Thailand for home. What hurt the most was saying goodbye to my amazing friends. Over the past four months I really grew to love those guys. I created a bond with them, a bond like I never had before. It kills me to leave that behind. This friendship just ignites the fire inside of me to keep going on. I made a promise to my friends that I would be back in June and we will pick up where we left off! My word is as good as gold! I love you guys.

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Well it’s that time of the year again. The time to reflect on the past year and prepare myself for the year to come. This year was unlike any other for me, and it was definitely a turning point in my life. So here goes:

Top 3 Places

1. San Diego, California

2. L.A. California

3. Thailand

Events

1. Roadtrip to California.

2. Loi Krathong (Chiang Mai, Thailand)

3. Taking off of the runway in L.A.

4. Getting in touch with my spirituality.

People that changed my life (had to list 10 for this one)

1. Evita Robinson- for making me realize what a strong person I was.

2. Jean-Pierre Chery- for being a big brother to me.

3. Tyler Batson- for opening my eyes to the world around me.

4. Bogdan Tiflinsky- For making me realize that cameramen have souls too. And becoming a part of my family.

5. Evan Engel- Same as Bogdan. Can’t wait for you guys to come to the Bayous.

6. Nui, Black, Tor, Mint- for showing me what real friends are.

7. Nora Godkin- for bringing out the animal in me!

8. Benz and Meang- for being awesome friends that I will never forget.

9. Ying- for being my big sister and friend!

10. Thai mom and dad- for bringing us into their lives, and treating us like their children.

11. Cameron and Kanako- For being my partners in crime.

12. Last but not least, Mom and Dad for supporting me along the way.

Most Memorable Moments (Needed 4 for this one)

1. Loi Krathong (Chiang Mai, Thailand)

2. Showering in the waterfall (Chiang Mai, Thailand)

3. Caressing a tiger while it slept (Chiang Mai, Thailand)

4. Jet Set Zero

Successes

1. Getting out of Calhoun, Louisiana.

2. Making a group of true friends. Ones  I will never forget.

3. Finding happiness.

This year was a major milestone in my life. I have been blessed with so many great things. I know that 2011 will be a year filled with many more adventures. 2010 was just the beginning.

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Sitting here on the plane, drawn to Australia by the promise of high wages and plentiful jobs, not knowing if any of it is really true. I feel like a frontiersman or a gold miner rushing to stake the next great claim.

Tired. 4:28am. It’s an icy tundra in here and AirAsia doesn’t give a fuck about you. Nothing. No blanket. No pillow. No nothing unless you have the coin to pay for it. Regardless, the tickets were dirt cheap, so I guess I shouldn’t complain about much.

The second half of our journey to Australia has been easy going. Make the bus from Penang to Kuala Lumpur on time. Journey 5 hours south to Kuala Lumpur. Short taxi ride to the next destination of our couch tour across Malaysia.

Smooth Sailing.

We lucked out big time in KL. Our couch surfing host Morteza was a laid back Iranian dude with a spacious apartment in a quiet part of town. Over the next 4 days Morteza and his countryman Saeed would give us a grand tour of their home away from home. Sharing their food, customs, and an insight into this strangely diverse peninsula. We’d eat Indian food with our hands, smoke Malaysian styled hookahs, and discuss the tragedy and futility of war, a direct relation to what Morteza and Siaeed experienced growing up in Iran.

To say that Kuala Lumpur is simply diverse one would have to overlook the specific cultural composition of the city. Like Jackson Pollack using a palette of the world’s peoples. It’s so interesting to see such largely different cultures living harmoniously and side-by-side. In any case, that’s what I saw in Kuala Lumpur during those 4 days.

Morteza and Saeed dropped us off at the train station 3 hours before our flight. 1 hour on the bus. Casually smoking cigarettes outside the airport while pondering life outside Asia. No rushing. Made the flight on time. Regretted checking the bag with my long sleeve shirts.

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A look back… as I look ahead… in the now.

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Day 2 of the Loi Krathong Festival…

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Get to know what Loi Krathong actually celebrates here in Thailand and witness one of the MOST INCREDIBLE NIGHTS EVVEEERRRR!!!!

PS: This was on my List of Things To Do Before I Die. Swish!

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On the 6th day, we tucked tail and fled. As the train struggled to pull us to relative safety I took one last look back. Bangkok was roaring in the distance. Reared back on two thunderous hind legs, ivory white tusks threatening to pierce the sky. The sound of its rumbling bellow poured in through our paper skin, shaking up fears and conjuring demons, some of which we never knew existed.

Now, we were back. Almost three months later. Our first night back in Bangkok. My last night in Thailand. Armed to the teeth with knowledge and experience. We had returned to slay the beast. Three months worth of planning. Three months worth of lessons hard learned. Three months worth of burning anxious waiting. Finally, the beast lay before us. Splayed out in all its iridescent neon glory. Tonight is the night. Don’t turn your back. Don’t ever look away. Tonight, the beast shall become undone.

- Jean-Pierre (cast), Evan (field producer), Bogdan (field producer), and Michael (honorary cast member).

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