I had a release.

Whether or not anyone else wants to admit it, this group endeavor hasn’t been a group endeavor for a while now and I’ve finally accepted that and released myself from expecting and attempting to make that happen.

The Truth:

1. One of us is leaving the entire production to go back home;
2. the other refuses to communicate openly even about important group decisions, and;
3. the other has quit his job with no other recourse.

Every one of these decisions makes the rest of the show – and life living together – more difficult and uncertain. It’s one thing to embrace uncertainty, it’s a completely other thing to create it to the detriment of others and your own well-being. That is called being irresponsible.

My Truth:

My life in Thailand is awesome! Those problems, as much as they might make life a little more difficult, are not my own. I’m not escaping to or from anything, I don’t wear my travel experiences as some badge of honor, I don’t complain about this gift I’ve been given, and I know how to responsibly live with others and respectfully integrate with other cultures. This isn’t me boasting, this just is. So I’ve released any expectations from anyone, any effort to help anyone, or desire to include anyone because whenever I do I get disappointed, dismissed, or unappreciated. Not anymore. Naturally, this release is beautiful. Opening the doors to fully experience what I set out for: peace, beauty, love, and joy, unfettered by anyone else’s issues.

So, onwards and upwards, ladies and vagabonds! I’ll be dancing this off, earning my living, doing what we all signed up to do. I’ll live with integrity and continue loving Thailand and all it has to offer because that collective experience I had hoped for is not in this house we all share, but out there in the world and I don’t need to rely on anyone to find the joy, the peace, the love or the beauty therein.

To life!

Photo by: Tyler Batson

You know, you travel and you get to know a lot of people. Most of them bring light to your life; they introduce you to new things, new people, new places, new points of view. Some can change your attitude, some can change your life course, and some just change you… if you’re open to it, that is.

Then there are those that hit you upside the head like a fucking hammer. They make you think, Who the hell is this person? Why are they constantly trying to control their future and holding onto the past? Why can’t they just enjoy this gift that has been given to you here and now? These are questions that have crossed my mind a number of times – and I am none to happy to admit it, because the answer doesn’t exist. The best it can be explained is with nothing. They are the way they are and that’s just it.

But that’s the thing about this whole endeavor. Sure, we’re all strangers, but you assume that everyone is motivated by the same enthusiasm and lust for life and, you know, adventure! You assume that everyone knew – and welcomed! – what they were getting into, that they were open to what the Universe just spilled at their feet. It doesn’t really cross your mind that maybe that person doesn’t really want to be here in the first place. (Even if they mentioned their hesitance before departure or told you they were too controlling.) Then you see tensions arise and you speak your mind, you hear people complain, more answerless questions arise and you realize that that’s just who they are and where they’re at and that’ just fine.

Hence the reason why I haven’t been doing much writing lately. What this trip has shown me up to now is that, if you’re lucky, you don’t have to spend your time pontificating and re-telling every detail with your I’s, me’s and my’s, showering every moment you pass in prose and setting it out to dry. Experience, like people, can just be. I want to show you what I see, unfettered by meticulous editing, so that you can be part of the experience too – hence all the videos. But unfortunately, some things require a few extra words. This is a great experience, but the truth is that it is not all hunky dory. There’s no real “group” to speak of. We are a house divided. It’s seems so strange, but it’s the truth. But if you want a new point of view and you’re open to it here’s one: I want to let people be – be bored, be lonely, be grossed out if they need to be – and I want to just be myself, which thankfully is none of those things. I want to laugh out loud, I want to play my music and dance, I want to meet new people, be silly, and I want to make this life and this beautiful gift of an opportunity SING! And if someone wants to find me guilty of being proactive in these efforts than drop the fuckin’ gavel. That’s just me. And frankly, I’ve never had to deal with people like this before (Jeremiah being a clear exception.) And it’s the “dealing with it” that brings me to write this today. I don’t “deal with” things. Unhappy people make me unhappy. What I seek is happiness, joy, and peace. I don’t see any reason in settling for less. When I’m open, these beautiful things happen organically. Even better, when I’m open to what the Universe and this planet offer me I can better share happiness, joy, and peace with others. My happiness, therefore, is not just about me; it’s about everyone and everything. Think what you will, but I find this way of life difficult to compromise.

There was a time I cared about what people thought; there was a time that I made sure that people liked me and could open up to me; there was a time that I was “the quiet one” – not anymore. The older I get the less I care. Honestly. I’ll admit I’m getting more and more unapologetic about it. I don’t care if you don’t like me, don’t think I’m funny, don’t want to talk to me. Seriously. Every relationship goes both ways. The reason you feel the way you feel has just as much to do with you and your experiences as it does with someone else. But guess what? This isn’t a competition. This is life. This is living. This isn’t my chance to show you how great I am or how adventurous I really am, this just is. And that’s how I’ve been living: spontaneously. Moment to moment. Give it a try. But, hell, if you don’t want to – what are you doing here? Travel is not meant for the rigid, the judgmental, or the anti-social.

So let this be a reminder to everyone: before you make any decision, especially if it’s to travel, make sure you’re open. O.P.E.N.! This is your life, you don’t have to make it a battle and you certainly don’t have to make it a strife for anyone else.

As for me, I’ve been learning a lot. Through what I’m learning, I’m finding that this unapologetic acceptance of existence is not the “superiority complex” that I’ve been accused of having, and it’s not even that I don’t care – it’s just not me. Those who go on measuring people as superior or inferior are themselves insecure and measuring life with the wrong instrument. Before I put anyone down or build them up – travel buddy, monk, mother, or stranger – I’ll take the beat of a drum and measure my life’s rhythm by percussion; I’ll stretch my limbs and dance them awake; I’ll sing, I’ll listen, I’ll jet set zero my ass out of town with nothing in my pockets but will and glorious freedom, and the knowledge that love is everywhere. Show me who you “are” and your show me your ego; just be and you show me your soul, but if you can’t do that, I’ll be moving on, because my soul needs to breathe, to sing, and to dance – and each day’s gifts give me more faith, here in Thailand.

Thai Ty out!

Getting ready to leave the country is never easy, at least not for me. Honestly. Next time you hear someone say “He/she’s got it all figured out” be sure to tell them they’re full of shit for me. No one’s got it all figured out – whether they are travelers looking for their bliss or addicts looking for their fix – and the more they try to “figure it out” the more uptight and depressed they become, because the world doesn’t respond well to those that cant stop, be, and accept that every day is another chance to evolve, not just get shit done.

Almost all of my time throughout the day is spent being conscious and aware of how I am spending – or wasting – my energy. There’s no point in getting angry to the point that some people do. Honest to God. Did you really have to honk at that dude that cut you off? Does it really matter that you “hate” a song, a person, a book, or a thought? Your hate is stopping you, but it’s not going to stop someone from singing, a person from being who they are, or a thought from permeating your brain. Right? Right. (For the record, that picture of me above? That’s not anger, that’s just my thinking face.)

So people, please stop wasting your daily practice on reminding the rest of us what’s wrong with the world. While you’re spending your time trying to manage your life to a tee, life is passing you by. Not everything needs to be fixed, not everything is an injustice. If there’s a fight worth fighting, do it, but choose your battles or else you’ll plague your days with enmity. Each day is a practice to authenticate who we really are and who we are in relation to the rest of the world, because like it or not, we all have to exist together and if you practice hard enough maybe you’ll stop “hating” altogether and learn to really live – but if you don’t think you can do that just yet, than watch me and my new friends – cuz it’s on!