Photo by: Tyler Batson

As I mentioned before, this isn’t a competition. I don’t want to be a success or a failure. I want to just be. I want to live. There is no measure of success or failure, of superior or inferior by which I live; there is only living. Fully. Always. If only I could say the same for everyone else.

Life is indifferent to arrangements. My plans are of no concern to my path. Daily, we cross paths with hundreds if not thousands of people with their own arrangements, their own lives. Anyone who thinks they can control their days and create a happiness with all their strict planning within this beautiful chaos we all live in, is in for an awakening. As our planets magnetic fields, energies, and communication technologies draw us further outward and inward, it becomes more and more evident that we all need to let go. Stop planning, stop carrying the burden of our pain and others’ pains, stop letting fear guide our decisions, stop comparing yourself to others and stop trying to manage life or just survive it. You could be living! Out loud, without the symptoms of insecurity, defense mechanisms, and lonliness that a life half-lived brings.

You can say you understand these words, but as a wise woman once asked me: “But are you happy?”

This is no superficial understanding I am living. I carry around no mask, make no effort to hide or pretend, and I don’t claim to have the answers, so it’s frustrating to find people like this in my life. I don’t want to inherit their pain, their negative energy, or their insecurities, whether they are doing it consciously or unconsciously. I can tell you right now, I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I don’t want or need to go back. No one does and I’m not going to feed into it.

Arrangements or no arrangements, I’m finding that there are some basic life skills that are missing, some that are so basic that their lack just makes life all that more painful and difficult for others. I have not often been exposed to these kinds of people, so this is very much a learning process for me, too. But one thing we all knew was that this is supposed to be a group endeavor. Every decision of the individual affects the whole. Was that not clear at the onset? Everyone was expected to fulfill certain tasks. Was there some miscommunication? Life happens, I know this, but when faced with such enormous opportunity how can you just throw it away? My answer cuts to the core: fear and insecurity. Why do I mention this? Because the core elements of life are universal and this can be a lesson not just for me, or for those around me, but for everyone.

For now I am working on releasing thought. I am finding the shine that has been dimmed over the past month or so. I’m finding it in new friends, new places, new moments of light and spontaneity, new languages, and new paths I’m crossing every day. And it feels good. My mind is slowly quieting, that lump in my throat is dissipating, and I’m living as I want to live, not by the influence of others’ decisions and experiences.

Some arrive with their arrangements already etched in their being. I don’t live that way. Some are still learning things I have learned already. Respectfully, I acknowledge that we are all on our own path. It’s chaotic, it’s beautiful, and it is thriving. Moreover, I know love. I am loved and I can see the totality of life not just its fragments. This is a gift that has become my daily practice and I can only be grateful for this bounty of a life behind me, in front of me, and right here and now. So in spite of it all, when that wise woman asks me again if I’m happy, I can answer unequivocally, yes.

Introducing myself from Los Angeles en route to Cambodia? Brazil? Or northern Thailand? Hmm…

Poll: What do you think? Where to next?