My office.

Back when we were doing the show, we spent every day worrying about money. We all got those stinking ESL jobs and someone (almost always Matt) had more hours, worked harder and kept something like a travel budget for us. We would decide on some round number that was more or less arbitrary and promise never to spend more than that in a day (luckily, rollovers were allowed and we had a separate allowance for special events and trips and stuff).

It sucks.

YOU’RE ALWAYS HUNGRY because that extra plate of noodles is just too expensive and you need money for dinner.

YOU CHEAT ON THINGS. Like girls or beer. Meaning that at about the middle of the week, you (I) run out of money and have to eat half as much and bum money off of people.

YOU (I) SUCK AT BUDGETING. I can’t seem to do it.

YOU SPEND ENTIRE DAYS WATCHING PEOPLE DO AWESOME THINGS THAT YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO DO. I call this the Shibuya Rule. In Japan, on a good day we had cash to go to Shibuya, buy Chu-His (tall cans, kinda) and stand and watch people buying things.

If anything is a Jet Set Zero secret, this is it. Living like that is so hard that you often don’t find any value in it at the time. Really. In retrospect, it’s awesome. At the time, it’s mostly painful and hungry. We’ve had so many people come through this experience who just couldn’t do it, or refused to try. I think it’s a good character test.

Chu-His bring you happiness (actual results will vary)

I LOVE LIVING THIS WAY cause I love the fight. I love the hunger and the pain and the thinking on your feet and not knowing whether you’ll make it or you’ll need to write that email begging for money to come home because you can’t feed yourself or you may end up in jail tomorrow for something you knew you shouldn’t have done.

But I wanted to try this kind of experience without having to struggle every day. I wanted to see what this life would be like if you actually could order that extra plate of noodles, or stay in a hotel, or – hell, why not – get a dive certification or rent a dirt bike for a weekend.

So that’s more or less what I’m doing.

I make about $36k/yr after taxes, which is more than I’ve ever had in my life. I really enjoy my work and I’m extremely lucky to have the coworkers and boss that I do, and in my lack of professional experience, it almost seems like a miracle that I earn a paycheck every two weeks. The money goes out, but it also comes back, amen.

It's so fun changing large sums of cash.

I am a fraud.

I’ve espoused to others what I consider my wisdoms, my “lessons learned from a life of travel” and I have been deluded by my own ignorance.

I used to say that my outlook on life was based on a keen awareness of the fragility of life, but instead of nurturing it, I have strangled it, tying a wire around the neck of the world and squeezing out its wisdom, join, and pain. So don’t listen to my “words of wisdom” because I know nothing. If anything, I can tell you that wisdom is not something to be taught or learned. It is a consequence of life. It doesn’t lie in your will to achieve your goals or your desire to “be a better person”, nor is it stamped in your passport, as I mistakenly thought.

Achievement and desire have been my downfall. In the West, it’s conditioned by society that time is limited, so hurry up, work hard, and do “right”. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m tired of that tension. What some call “the American dream” has taken me further away from enjoying the reality of each moment, and into a  future where the only thing that is certain is a constant start of want and reach. My drive to be something extraordinary, I now realize, is totally ordinary and not noble at all. And the strength of my desires has produced just as much stress and suffering as life-changing moments. But life is always naturally in flux, it doesn’t need me to hurry it along. In short, my mind needs rest from want.

I have said before that the more I see the less I know. On JS0: Thailand, I wont be surprised if I am, at least in part, portrayed as “the spiritual one”, but my search is coming to a close. I’m learning that the best thing I can do for my spirit is to let it breathe, not smother my mind is philosophy, theology, and history. All these years of travel and circumstantial transience have taught me that there are no answers and there is no “me”. I know nothing and this supposed-former-wisdom-junkie would happily rather be your fool.

That is my confession. Little melodramatic maybe, but sometimes it comes with the territory.

It’s been 4 weeks since JS0: Thailand wrapped filming.

Here’s a brief synopsis of events:

• Show finishes filming after 3 months, 2 months of pre-production on my end.
• Everyone disbands, we leave our house.
• I contact my discount airline ticket connection to book my ticket home.
• The connection falls through without warning.
• And now I’m unexpectedly stuck abroad.
• With no job.
• Or house.

The money I budgeted to get home is not enough for the full fare ticket I now have to pay for on my own.  I had to leave Thailand so I got myself to India. Thank God, Buddha, Allah and all their disciples that I have a friend here I can stay with. I accept my role and accept the work ahead, but I am nevertheless stuck.

Although I’m glad to have this experience, I’m not going to lie: it’s been rough. Partly because India is fucking intense, but mostly because I just need to rest. Try to balance the levity with the gravity of the past few months. Instead, I’ve been trying not to cry alone in public, constantly wishing I was home (especially for the holidays), and longing to hold my best friend’s newborn baby girl.

Today I write you alone in New Delhi on Christmas Day. Tomorrow who knows what will happen. Now this is an adventure of a different color. Hoping for some grade-A karma to kick in.

A look back… as I look ahead… in the now.

Get to know what Loi Krathong actually celebrates here in Thailand and witness one of the MOST INCREDIBLE NIGHTS EVVEEERRRR!!!!

PS: This was on my List of Things To Do Before I Die. Swish!

I had a release.

Whether or not anyone else wants to admit it, this group endeavor hasn’t been a group endeavor for a while now and I’ve finally accepted that and released myself from expecting and attempting to make that happen.

The Truth:

1. One of us is leaving the entire production to go back home;
2. the other refuses to communicate openly even about important group decisions, and;
3. the other has quit his job with no other recourse.

Every one of these decisions makes the rest of the show – and life living together – more difficult and uncertain. It’s one thing to embrace uncertainty, it’s a completely other thing to create it to the detriment of others and your own well-being. That is called being irresponsible.

My Truth:

My life in Thailand is awesome! Those problems, as much as they might make life a little more difficult, are not my own. I’m not escaping to or from anything, I don’t wear my travel experiences as some badge of honor, I don’t complain about this gift I’ve been given, and I know how to responsibly live with others and respectfully integrate with other cultures. This isn’t me boasting, this just is. So I’ve released any expectations from anyone, any effort to help anyone, or desire to include anyone because whenever I do I get disappointed, dismissed, or unappreciated. Not anymore. Naturally, this release is beautiful. Opening the doors to fully experience what I set out for: peace, beauty, love, and joy, unfettered by anyone else’s issues.

So, onwards and upwards, ladies and vagabonds! I’ll be dancing this off, earning my living, doing what we all signed up to do. I’ll live with integrity and continue loving Thailand and all it has to offer because that collective experience I had hoped for is not in this house we all share, but out there in the world and I don’t need to rely on anyone to find the joy, the peace, the love or the beauty therein.

To life!

Photo by: Tyler Batson

As I mentioned before, this isn’t a competition. I don’t want to be a success or a failure. I want to just be. I want to live. There is no measure of success or failure, of superior or inferior by which I live; there is only living. Fully. Always. If only I could say the same for everyone else.

Life is indifferent to arrangements. My plans are of no concern to my path. Daily, we cross paths with hundreds if not thousands of people with their own arrangements, their own lives. Anyone who thinks they can control their days and create a happiness with all their strict planning within this beautiful chaos we all live in, is in for an awakening. As our planets magnetic fields, energies, and communication technologies draw us further outward and inward, it becomes more and more evident that we all need to let go. Stop planning, stop carrying the burden of our pain and others’ pains, stop letting fear guide our decisions, stop comparing yourself to others and stop trying to manage life or just survive it. You could be living! Out loud, without the symptoms of insecurity, defense mechanisms, and lonliness that a life half-lived brings.

You can say you understand these words, but as a wise woman once asked me: “But are you happy?”

This is no superficial understanding I am living. I carry around no mask, make no effort to hide or pretend, and I don’t claim to have the answers, so it’s frustrating to find people like this in my life. I don’t want to inherit their pain, their negative energy, or their insecurities, whether they are doing it consciously or unconsciously. I can tell you right now, I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I don’t want or need to go back. No one does and I’m not going to feed into it.

Arrangements or no arrangements, I’m finding that there are some basic life skills that are missing, some that are so basic that their lack just makes life all that more painful and difficult for others. I have not often been exposed to these kinds of people, so this is very much a learning process for me, too. But one thing we all knew was that this is supposed to be a group endeavor. Every decision of the individual affects the whole. Was that not clear at the onset? Everyone was expected to fulfill certain tasks. Was there some miscommunication? Life happens, I know this, but when faced with such enormous opportunity how can you just throw it away? My answer cuts to the core: fear and insecurity. Why do I mention this? Because the core elements of life are universal and this can be a lesson not just for me, or for those around me, but for everyone.

For now I am working on releasing thought. I am finding the shine that has been dimmed over the past month or so. I’m finding it in new friends, new places, new moments of light and spontaneity, new languages, and new paths I’m crossing every day. And it feels good. My mind is slowly quieting, that lump in my throat is dissipating, and I’m living as I want to live, not by the influence of others’ decisions and experiences.

Some arrive with their arrangements already etched in their being. I don’t live that way. Some are still learning things I have learned already. Respectfully, I acknowledge that we are all on our own path. It’s chaotic, it’s beautiful, and it is thriving. Moreover, I know love. I am loved and I can see the totality of life not just its fragments. This is a gift that has become my daily practice and I can only be grateful for this bounty of a life behind me, in front of me, and right here and now. So in spite of it all, when that wise woman asks me again if I’m happy, I can answer unequivocally, yes.

From right: Jean-Pierre, Tyler, Evita, Jeremiah

Casting: complete!
Location: THAILAND!
Days to departure: 15 days (!!!)

I’m not gonna lie: we are all so awesome! We converge from different countries, backgrounds, and life experiences to share our story as we live, work, learn, and love in THAILAND! And you can follow us every step of the way.

Photos, video blogs, and ruminations on the Jet Set Zero lifestyle coming to you at the speed of life, so stay tuned…

I have the balls to dance with death. (Mt Elgon, Kenya)

I’m a liar. Ok, no. I’m a fibber.

The vagabond lifestyle that I so fervently adhere to is not all sunshine and rainbows. There’s something hiding behind all the bohemia, the joie de vivre, and the lofty pontifications on a beautifully restless lifestyle: relentlessly learning lessons through travel is exhausting!

As I get ready to move on to the next series of unknowns with Jet Set Zero, those familiar knots in my stomach begin to tighten up. I’m growing, but you know what? Evolution can be scary. Hell, puberty was hard enough as it is!

There are any number of “what ifs” to choose from when those anxious knots begin to disrupt your biology, but one “what if” that trumps them all is, what if you let that fear control you? What if I didn’t travel blindly across the Ugandan border on the back of a strangers bike? I wouldn’t have bathed in Nile waters. What if I decided skydiving just after a rainstorm was too dangerous? I wouldn’t have experienced the most peaceful, transcendental moment in my whole life. What if I never even applied to Jet Set Zero? I wouldn’t have the wealth of experiences ahead of me or the friends I’ve already made or the possibility of yet another peaceful transcendence.

Seeking out those moments that change you is exhausting, yes. Learning to continuously apply lessons learned from a life of travel becomes a daily practice in a society conditioned to sameness and comfort. Some people have their routines, they can predict what their day is going to be like and that’s fine. Me? I embrace the unknown – even if it scares the hell out of me, because in the end, I’ll never have to ask “What if?”

I found myself asking this exact question this week.

I’ve been working a ton which has directly contributed to this burnt out feeling. My hours at school have increased so now I have five permanent classes and I’ve been substituting as well. At home, I average a 60 hour work week so I’m no slouch to hard work but 40 hours a week here feels like an eternity. Part of this is that I haven’t mastered the whole “teaching” thing (hopefully soon), so I still need to do some preparation for my classes, and the actual teaching does not come naturally yet. Another reason is that I have to commute by  motorbike quite a distance (1 1/2 hour round trip) a couple days a week for a two hour class through crazy Saigon traffic. Normally this would be relaxing but because of the rush hour chaos on the streets, I do not look forward to it. And the last reason it feels longer and harder than it should is because I work every single day. Some days are only 4 hours of evening classes, but having that looming over my head throughout the morning and afternoon prevents me from being able to truly relax. It’s now been one month without a full day off.

And I’m starting to feel the effects.  That combined with a nasty head cold this week caused me to become a bit of a cranky bitch. I can feel it starting to set in – that painful “Ah crap, I have to work today” feeling. Dragging myself to work. The patience wearing thin. Wanting to curl up with a bucket of Häagen-Dazs and pretend I’m at home in my awesome condo with my awesome job and my awesome friends. But like Willard says in Apocalypse Now: “Saigon… shit; I’m still only in Saigon”.

I figure it’s just a phase. The ups and downs of traveling are often exaggerated, and this is simply the reality of doing what we do. It’s not all ponies and rainbows. I do realize that I’m doing something really awesome in a foreign country and I’m trying not to lose sight of that. I get two days off for Christmas so Serene, Jen and I are headed for the beaches of Mui Ne -hopefully that will reinvigorate me. But sometimes a gruelling 9 hour teaching day makes me seriously consider what the hell I’m doing here.