Well it’s that time of the year again. The time to reflect on the past year and prepare myself for the year to come. This year was unlike any other for me, and it was definitely a turning point in my life. So here goes:

Top 3 Places

1. San Diego, California

2. L.A. California

3. Thailand

Events

1. Roadtrip to California.

2. Loi Krathong (Chiang Mai, Thailand)

3. Taking off of the runway in L.A.

4. Getting in touch with my spirituality.

People that changed my life (had to list 10 for this one)

1. Evita Robinson- for making me realize what a strong person I was.

2. Jean-Pierre Chery- for being a big brother to me.

3. Tyler Batson- for opening my eyes to the world around me.

4. Bogdan Tiflinsky- For making me realize that cameramen have souls too. And becoming a part of my family.

5. Evan Engel- Same as Bogdan. Can’t wait for you guys to come to the Bayous.

6. Nui, Black, Tor, Mint- for showing me what real friends are.

7. Nora Godkin- for bringing out the animal in me!

8. Benz and Meang- for being awesome friends that I will never forget.

9. Ying- for being my big sister and friend!

10. Thai mom and dad- for bringing us into their lives, and treating us like their children.

11. Cameron and Kanako- For being my partners in crime.

12. Last but not least, Mom and Dad for supporting me along the way.

Most Memorable Moments (Needed 4 for this one)

1. Loi Krathong (Chiang Mai, Thailand)

2. Showering in the waterfall (Chiang Mai, Thailand)

3. Caressing a tiger while it slept (Chiang Mai, Thailand)

4. Jet Set Zero

Successes

1. Getting out of Calhoun, Louisiana.

2. Making a group of true friends. Ones  I will never forget.

3. Finding happiness.

This year was a major milestone in my life. I have been blessed with so many great things. I know that 2011 will be a year filled with many more adventures. 2010 was just the beginning.

Photo by: Tyler Batson

As I mentioned before, this isn’t a competition. I don’t want to be a success or a failure. I want to just be. I want to live. There is no measure of success or failure, of superior or inferior by which I live; there is only living. Fully. Always. If only I could say the same for everyone else.

Life is indifferent to arrangements. My plans are of no concern to my path. Daily, we cross paths with hundreds if not thousands of people with their own arrangements, their own lives. Anyone who thinks they can control their days and create a happiness with all their strict planning within this beautiful chaos we all live in, is in for an awakening. As our planets magnetic fields, energies, and communication technologies draw us further outward and inward, it becomes more and more evident that we all need to let go. Stop planning, stop carrying the burden of our pain and others’ pains, stop letting fear guide our decisions, stop comparing yourself to others and stop trying to manage life or just survive it. You could be living! Out loud, without the symptoms of insecurity, defense mechanisms, and lonliness that a life half-lived brings.

You can say you understand these words, but as a wise woman once asked me: “But are you happy?”

This is no superficial understanding I am living. I carry around no mask, make no effort to hide or pretend, and I don’t claim to have the answers, so it’s frustrating to find people like this in my life. I don’t want to inherit their pain, their negative energy, or their insecurities, whether they are doing it consciously or unconsciously. I can tell you right now, I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I don’t want or need to go back. No one does and I’m not going to feed into it.

Arrangements or no arrangements, I’m finding that there are some basic life skills that are missing, some that are so basic that their lack just makes life all that more painful and difficult for others. I have not often been exposed to these kinds of people, so this is very much a learning process for me, too. But one thing we all knew was that this is supposed to be a group endeavor. Every decision of the individual affects the whole. Was that not clear at the onset? Everyone was expected to fulfill certain tasks. Was there some miscommunication? Life happens, I know this, but when faced with such enormous opportunity how can you just throw it away? My answer cuts to the core: fear and insecurity. Why do I mention this? Because the core elements of life are universal and this can be a lesson not just for me, or for those around me, but for everyone.

For now I am working on releasing thought. I am finding the shine that has been dimmed over the past month or so. I’m finding it in new friends, new places, new moments of light and spontaneity, new languages, and new paths I’m crossing every day. And it feels good. My mind is slowly quieting, that lump in my throat is dissipating, and I’m living as I want to live, not by the influence of others’ decisions and experiences.

Some arrive with their arrangements already etched in their being. I don’t live that way. Some are still learning things I have learned already. Respectfully, I acknowledge that we are all on our own path. It’s chaotic, it’s beautiful, and it is thriving. Moreover, I know love. I am loved and I can see the totality of life not just its fragments. This is a gift that has become my daily practice and I can only be grateful for this bounty of a life behind me, in front of me, and right here and now. So in spite of it all, when that wise woman asks me again if I’m happy, I can answer unequivocally, yes.