I had a release.

Whether or not anyone else wants to admit it, this group endeavor hasn’t been a group endeavor for a while now and I’ve finally accepted that and released myself from expecting and attempting to make that happen.

The Truth:

1. One of us is leaving the entire production to go back home;
2. the other refuses to communicate openly even about important group decisions, and;
3. the other has quit his job with no other recourse.

Every one of these decisions makes the rest of the show – and life living together – more difficult and uncertain. It’s one thing to embrace uncertainty, it’s a completely other thing to create it to the detriment of others and your own well-being. That is called being irresponsible.

My Truth:

My life in Thailand is awesome! Those problems, as much as they might make life a little more difficult, are not my own. I’m not escaping to or from anything, I don’t wear my travel experiences as some badge of honor, I don’t complain about this gift I’ve been given, and I know how to responsibly live with others and respectfully integrate with other cultures. This isn’t me boasting, this just is. So I’ve released any expectations from anyone, any effort to help anyone, or desire to include anyone because whenever I do I get disappointed, dismissed, or unappreciated. Not anymore. Naturally, this release is beautiful. Opening the doors to fully experience what I set out for: peace, beauty, love, and joy, unfettered by anyone else’s issues.

So, onwards and upwards, ladies and vagabonds! I’ll be dancing this off, earning my living, doing what we all signed up to do. I’ll live with integrity and continue loving Thailand and all it has to offer because that collective experience I had hoped for is not in this house we all share, but out there in the world and I don’t need to rely on anyone to find the joy, the peace, the love or the beauty therein.

To life!

Photo by: Tyler Batson

As I mentioned before, this isn’t a competition. I don’t want to be a success or a failure. I want to just be. I want to live. There is no measure of success or failure, of superior or inferior by which I live; there is only living. Fully. Always. If only I could say the same for everyone else.

Life is indifferent to arrangements. My plans are of no concern to my path. Daily, we cross paths with hundreds if not thousands of people with their own arrangements, their own lives. Anyone who thinks they can control their days and create a happiness with all their strict planning within this beautiful chaos we all live in, is in for an awakening. As our planets magnetic fields, energies, and communication technologies draw us further outward and inward, it becomes more and more evident that we all need to let go. Stop planning, stop carrying the burden of our pain and others’ pains, stop letting fear guide our decisions, stop comparing yourself to others and stop trying to manage life or just survive it. You could be living! Out loud, without the symptoms of insecurity, defense mechanisms, and lonliness that a life half-lived brings.

You can say you understand these words, but as a wise woman once asked me: “But are you happy?”

This is no superficial understanding I am living. I carry around no mask, make no effort to hide or pretend, and I don’t claim to have the answers, so it’s frustrating to find people like this in my life. I don’t want to inherit their pain, their negative energy, or their insecurities, whether they are doing it consciously or unconsciously. I can tell you right now, I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I don’t want or need to go back. No one does and I’m not going to feed into it.

Arrangements or no arrangements, I’m finding that there are some basic life skills that are missing, some that are so basic that their lack just makes life all that more painful and difficult for others. I have not often been exposed to these kinds of people, so this is very much a learning process for me, too. But one thing we all knew was that this is supposed to be a group endeavor. Every decision of the individual affects the whole. Was that not clear at the onset? Everyone was expected to fulfill certain tasks. Was there some miscommunication? Life happens, I know this, but when faced with such enormous opportunity how can you just throw it away? My answer cuts to the core: fear and insecurity. Why do I mention this? Because the core elements of life are universal and this can be a lesson not just for me, or for those around me, but for everyone.

For now I am working on releasing thought. I am finding the shine that has been dimmed over the past month or so. I’m finding it in new friends, new places, new moments of light and spontaneity, new languages, and new paths I’m crossing every day. And it feels good. My mind is slowly quieting, that lump in my throat is dissipating, and I’m living as I want to live, not by the influence of others’ decisions and experiences.

Some arrive with their arrangements already etched in their being. I don’t live that way. Some are still learning things I have learned already. Respectfully, I acknowledge that we are all on our own path. It’s chaotic, it’s beautiful, and it is thriving. Moreover, I know love. I am loved and I can see the totality of life not just its fragments. This is a gift that has become my daily practice and I can only be grateful for this bounty of a life behind me, in front of me, and right here and now. So in spite of it all, when that wise woman asks me again if I’m happy, I can answer unequivocally, yes.

Photo by: Tyler Batson

You know, you travel and you get to know a lot of people. Most of them bring light to your life; they introduce you to new things, new people, new places, new points of view. Some can change your attitude, some can change your life course, and some just change you… if you’re open to it, that is.

Then there are those that hit you upside the head like a fucking hammer. They make you think, Who the hell is this person? Why are they constantly trying to control their future and holding onto the past? Why can’t they just enjoy this gift that has been given to you here and now? These are questions that have crossed my mind a number of times – and I am none to happy to admit it, because the answer doesn’t exist. The best it can be explained is with nothing. They are the way they are and that’s just it.

But that’s the thing about this whole endeavor. Sure, we’re all strangers, but you assume that everyone is motivated by the same enthusiasm and lust for life and, you know, adventure! You assume that everyone knew – and welcomed! – what they were getting into, that they were open to what the Universe just spilled at their feet. It doesn’t really cross your mind that maybe that person doesn’t really want to be here in the first place. (Even if they mentioned their hesitance before departure or told you they were too controlling.) Then you see tensions arise and you speak your mind, you hear people complain, more answerless questions arise and you realize that that’s just who they are and where they’re at and that’ just fine.

Hence the reason why I haven’t been doing much writing lately. What this trip has shown me up to now is that, if you’re lucky, you don’t have to spend your time pontificating and re-telling every detail with your I’s, me’s and my’s, showering every moment you pass in prose and setting it out to dry. Experience, like people, can just be. I want to show you what I see, unfettered by meticulous editing, so that you can be part of the experience too – hence all the videos. But unfortunately, some things require a few extra words. This is a great experience, but the truth is that it is not all hunky dory. There’s no real “group” to speak of. We are a house divided. It’s seems so strange, but it’s the truth. But if you want a new point of view and you’re open to it here’s one: I want to let people be – be bored, be lonely, be grossed out if they need to be – and I want to just be myself, which thankfully is none of those things. I want to laugh out loud, I want to play my music and dance, I want to meet new people, be silly, and I want to make this life and this beautiful gift of an opportunity SING! And if someone wants to find me guilty of being proactive in these efforts than drop the fuckin’ gavel. That’s just me. And frankly, I’ve never had to deal with people like this before (Jeremiah being a clear exception.) And it’s the “dealing with it” that brings me to write this today. I don’t “deal with” things. Unhappy people make me unhappy. What I seek is happiness, joy, and peace. I don’t see any reason in settling for less. When I’m open, these beautiful things happen organically. Even better, when I’m open to what the Universe and this planet offer me I can better share happiness, joy, and peace with others. My happiness, therefore, is not just about me; it’s about everyone and everything. Think what you will, but I find this way of life difficult to compromise.

There was a time I cared about what people thought; there was a time that I made sure that people liked me and could open up to me; there was a time that I was “the quiet one” – not anymore. The older I get the less I care. Honestly. I’ll admit I’m getting more and more unapologetic about it. I don’t care if you don’t like me, don’t think I’m funny, don’t want to talk to me. Seriously. Every relationship goes both ways. The reason you feel the way you feel has just as much to do with you and your experiences as it does with someone else. But guess what? This isn’t a competition. This is life. This is living. This isn’t my chance to show you how great I am or how adventurous I really am, this just is. And that’s how I’ve been living: spontaneously. Moment to moment. Give it a try. But, hell, if you don’t want to – what are you doing here? Travel is not meant for the rigid, the judgmental, or the anti-social.

So let this be a reminder to everyone: before you make any decision, especially if it’s to travel, make sure you’re open. O.P.E.N.! This is your life, you don’t have to make it a battle and you certainly don’t have to make it a strife for anyone else.

As for me, I’ve been learning a lot. Through what I’m learning, I’m finding that this unapologetic acceptance of existence is not the “superiority complex” that I’ve been accused of having, and it’s not even that I don’t care – it’s just not me. Those who go on measuring people as superior or inferior are themselves insecure and measuring life with the wrong instrument. Before I put anyone down or build them up – travel buddy, monk, mother, or stranger – I’ll take the beat of a drum and measure my life’s rhythm by percussion; I’ll stretch my limbs and dance them awake; I’ll sing, I’ll listen, I’ll jet set zero my ass out of town with nothing in my pockets but will and glorious freedom, and the knowledge that love is everywhere. Show me who you “are” and your show me your ego; just be and you show me your soul, but if you can’t do that, I’ll be moving on, because my soul needs to breathe, to sing, and to dance – and each day’s gifts give me more faith, here in Thailand.

Thai Ty out!

There are some things that some travelers, no matter how savvy, don’t know right away. Sometimes all the time you spend on the computer searching and re-searching doesn’t yield the kind of results in a foreign country like Thailand as they might in a place like, say, the United States. This is something I learned by traveling and not having internet to work with at all.

I have had this problem in the past: Some people more than others, particularly Americans in my experience, are detached. As one Kenyan/American told me once, our culture values time more than relationships, and I’d have to concur. Consequently we have become comfortably attached to our computers. This is normal. We do our work on the computer, we catch up with friends online; its our entertainment, our catharsis, our pleasure, and our business. And by we, I mean myself included. (Guilty as charged.)

I have been taking a different route here in Thailand however: connecting with people. The problem with that is that not everyone else is ready to do that. Building relationships, for some, takes time. In addition to growing accustomed to their new surroundings, they have to trust the person, understand their logic, connect with their background and interests, and any other number of other things. But if I want something I go for it, especially if it is for the betterment of a group.

I’m used to dealing with people who are alive! Who live out loud not in quiet matrimony to their laptops, work, headphones and cell phones. That life is no life in my experience. It may “get things done” but it’s not fulfilling, is it? And shouldn’t each day be full? The answer is yes. A life of constant pursuit doesn’t interest me. So I prefer to engage with the world around me and live in the moment. That’s why I chose to come and do Jet Set Zero in the first place. But when you can’t connect with people closest (in proximity) to you, then what? All the efforts for the better of the group hit a wall. Especially if they don’t arrive in American time, it seems. Maybe it hasn’t hit everyone that we are in Thailand yet. There have been the odd similarities of drunken white people, Western pop music, bars, and brands, but if you seek the unfamiliar then get up and look for it.

In the end what I think is lacking is feeling. Enthusiasm. Excitement. I understand, however, that these things cannot be forced. All the stress aside, my senses, enthusiasm, and excitement have been pretty strong. And if they aren’t I do something about it. I take action. I meet new people, see new things, find light elsewhere. Luckily there’s no lack of it here.

Yes, we have a place to live now. An AMAZING, beautiful, home-y place. True, it’s been a trial, but for the sake of documenting this journey I have to say that this past week has been tough with a lot of tension in the group. Words have been slung, but I vowed before leaving the U.S. to own up to my actions and I did let my ego to the front of the line, passing judgment of people’s processes – and allowing others’ judgment to dull some of my shine. Do I feel my efforts are still under appreciated? Yes, I do. But I expected appreciation from the unwilling. No “thank you” should be forced and I wouldn’t want it anyway. Everyone has their own way of going about things and processing their circumstances. Just because I see my time as well spent doesn’t mean that someone else spending their time differently is wrong; it’s just different.

In the end, we’re in Thailand. What that means to me is more than just geography. I cant wait for other people to adjust to their new surroundings or wrap their minds around their new experiences, but luckily I feel the dynamic shifting already – seamlessly with some, gradually with others. So for now I’ll do what I know best: me. And that advice comes straight from some monks I met recently, so consider this a test of Buddhist practice. (Shh! Don’t tell Jesus.)

When constellations converge there's bound to be some fire

Last night was day two and already I’m learning something new about myself. This is thanks to one cast member in particular: Evita. When I first spoke with her on the phone what I perceived to be her lack of enthusiasm was the first thing that hit me – and it baffled me. I didn’t allow it to arrest me too much, but I thought to myself, How could you not want to freak the fuck out about this? This is a once in a lifetime experience. It just seemed like this was another trip for her. Before leaving, there were issues we had to confront with each other. She felt I was controlling, I maintained I was enthused and therefore assertive, dialoguing with her about things all along the way; I felt she was ungrateful and she maintained it was a symptom of emotional and physical exhaustion.

Last night we hashed it out. I started the conversation at dinner just outside our hostel. The rain was coming down slowly, measured by the quiet sound of warm monsoon waters on the sweaty asphalt ground. It was a beautiful night, but I couldn’t help it, I had to get this off my chest. I heard her out, she heard me out, but some how I still walked away feeling there was more to say.

Admittedly her intentions and motivations for being here are professional – the rest are a bit ambiguous. She wants to learn about herself, challenge herself. Okay. Learn what? Challenge how? I don’t feel that you can learn much about yourself or challenge yourself unless you actively do something about it. (I’m of course referring to actions outside the realm of making money.) It just seems like she’s transferred the same stresses about money from back home to another country. Even if you are working on your last dime, I feel that if personal growth is your goal you’ll make it a priority and set the coin aside for a minute. In the two months that we have known each other, it seems that her main focus is work. Her hustle. Again, admittedly, this is a large part of how she identifies herself. The hustle. I’ve hustled, trust me, but my intention is always to hustle less and release that negative energy from my life and to relax even when the hustle is on.

I’m an open and honest person pretty much from the moment you meet me. I find this to be healthy and freeing. I believe this is in our nature, but I understand that some fight it.  Some people put up walls; some people feel the need to protect themselves. Evita is one of those people. I accept my role in this and will work on putting my own ego in check to make sure it doesn’t interfere with her or anyone else’s. If there’s one thing I can take from this it’s that I have some beautiful, open, honest, and loving friends and family. I have always known I was blessed in this regard. I cant even think of a single friend with whom I have had a fight with. We inspire one another, we appreciate life and all its offerings to their fullest, and we readily express ourselves in a myriad of ways. Whereas I am used to calming energy, nurturing, considerate, and loving energy, Evita does not reflect these sentiments, certainly not to me (yet). The last time this was apparent was when I told her the flight I personally arranged for her was confirmed. I knew she and the rest of us were strapped for cash so I was happy to help save her around $3000. Her response to this was “Ok.” The most important part about this experience – getting there and back – didn’t get so much as a “thank you” text throughout the whole time I was planning the itineraries. We confronted this, she apologized and thanked me, and that was that. But now we’re together. Now that I can interact with her in person I see that she talks about things outside herself, even when she’s not talking to me; if she does talk about herself its like she’s reading off her resume; eye contact is limited to when she has something to say, usually, and her tone of voice and demeanor are sharp more than they are soft. Unfortunately, I have responded to this in kind. This is not good. So now that our conversation is over and I have done some serious thinking/feeling I’m ready to take my perceptions and open them up to change.

Evita is Evita. She doesn’t have to kick up her heels with glee, or express herself with the freedom that I do – or even define freedom in the same way. That’s what makes us all unique creatures. I put up walls myself in the past. I learned through much reflection, hardship, and spiritual growth that those walls were hindering me more than they were aiding me. But she’s on her own path and she needs to process her emotions differently. Although the Universe has gifted me with some phenomenal energy as it emanates from my wonderful community of friends and family back home, I cannot expect the same from everyone. The lesson for me to learn is how to, not just accept that, but respect it and not let my light dim simply because someone else chooses to shine theirs differently.

And the evolution goes on…

Before leaving to Thailand…