I fought with a stranger and I met myself, I opened my mouth and I heard myself. It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself. I guess I could've made it easier on myself, but I could never follow.

“My friends from high school married their high school girlfriends, moved in to houses in the same zip codes where their parents lived, but I could never follow.” These lyrics describe my life perfectly. Destined to write my life story my own way, I’ve never been one to have an outline, and I definitely wasn’t born with an infrastructure. Truth be told I’m an unorganized mess. At this point in my life I’ve come to a fork in the road where I can either settle down or follow the obscure path of uncertainty. With the above being said, it is no secret that settling down isn’t in my blood. I’ve always been a dreamer, people would say “pull your head out of the clouds Jeremiah”. But, why would I ever pull my head out of the clouds when I can see the entire world from up here? I mean who ever decided that life came with a map: We graduate high school, we go to college, we find a career, we get married and settle down until it’s time to retire. I’m setting out on my own with no map and a heart full of wonder. I’m learning to marvel at the world and I am finding myself along the way. My life is a blank sheet of paper, and I’m using the world as my pencil.  Here’s to taking the long way around.

Twenty hours, two countries, and seven Muay Thai fights later, we were able to rest.

Yesterday was a great day for the record books and memory bank. Jeremiah and I started off at 5am headed to Burma so we could get another two week extension to our expired visas. The ride, in reality, wasn’t that bad. The border crossing was much smoother than what I went through in Cambodia. Having company there also made it more pleasant. Always nice hanging out with Jeremiah.

The previous day, I made it known to the crew that I wanted to hit up a Muay Thai fight. I’d been sitting on it for awhile. It was the one promise I made to my boyfriend; attend and shoot a Muay Thai fight. My interest was sparked from the beginning really. I personally have always had an affinity for kickboxing.

Jean-Pierre, Jeremiah, Bogdan, and I bonded last night over some round houses, bloody noses, and several weight classes. Seven fights took place last night, including a female round, and ‘Special Fights’ round that included four blind-folded boxers going at each other simultaneously. Weight classes ranged from 100 lbs, to the Main Event at 168 pounds, a Thai local vs. a Frenchman.

During the female round, I left the crew to stand with the Thai men that were ringside. The energy from the women was infectious, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I wondered how I would be in the ring. Could I handle the brutality, while respecting the fact that it is, in deed, an art form? One I respect very much.

Hitting me that both Jeremiah and I had been up since around 5am and traveled so far via bus, my eye lids proved to become heavy during the final round. That is, until, the fight ended in the Frenchman’s win, and the ENTIRE corner that was cheering on the Thai boxer had left him stranded to leave the ring on his own. We’re talking, holding onto the ring, not able to stand up straight, seeing circles, and sliding down the steps…alone. It was great. Thanks fellas!

PS. The chicks rocked it! More photos seen HERE!

PPS. There are videos. Many video clips. I was just anxious to get this out. Stay tuned if this is your kind of thing…

Photo by: Tyler Batson

As I mentioned before, this isn’t a competition. I don’t want to be a success or a failure. I want to just be. I want to live. There is no measure of success or failure, of superior or inferior by which I live; there is only living. Fully. Always. If only I could say the same for everyone else.

Life is indifferent to arrangements. My plans are of no concern to my path. Daily, we cross paths with hundreds if not thousands of people with their own arrangements, their own lives. Anyone who thinks they can control their days and create a happiness with all their strict planning within this beautiful chaos we all live in, is in for an awakening. As our planets magnetic fields, energies, and communication technologies draw us further outward and inward, it becomes more and more evident that we all need to let go. Stop planning, stop carrying the burden of our pain and others’ pains, stop letting fear guide our decisions, stop comparing yourself to others and stop trying to manage life or just survive it. You could be living! Out loud, without the symptoms of insecurity, defense mechanisms, and lonliness that a life half-lived brings.

You can say you understand these words, but as a wise woman once asked me: “But are you happy?”

This is no superficial understanding I am living. I carry around no mask, make no effort to hide or pretend, and I don’t claim to have the answers, so it’s frustrating to find people like this in my life. I don’t want to inherit their pain, their negative energy, or their insecurities, whether they are doing it consciously or unconsciously. I can tell you right now, I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I don’t want or need to go back. No one does and I’m not going to feed into it.

Arrangements or no arrangements, I’m finding that there are some basic life skills that are missing, some that are so basic that their lack just makes life all that more painful and difficult for others. I have not often been exposed to these kinds of people, so this is very much a learning process for me, too. But one thing we all knew was that this is supposed to be a group endeavor. Every decision of the individual affects the whole. Was that not clear at the onset? Everyone was expected to fulfill certain tasks. Was there some miscommunication? Life happens, I know this, but when faced with such enormous opportunity how can you just throw it away? My answer cuts to the core: fear and insecurity. Why do I mention this? Because the core elements of life are universal and this can be a lesson not just for me, or for those around me, but for everyone.

For now I am working on releasing thought. I am finding the shine that has been dimmed over the past month or so. I’m finding it in new friends, new places, new moments of light and spontaneity, new languages, and new paths I’m crossing every day. And it feels good. My mind is slowly quieting, that lump in my throat is dissipating, and I’m living as I want to live, not by the influence of others’ decisions and experiences.

Some arrive with their arrangements already etched in their being. I don’t live that way. Some are still learning things I have learned already. Respectfully, I acknowledge that we are all on our own path. It’s chaotic, it’s beautiful, and it is thriving. Moreover, I know love. I am loved and I can see the totality of life not just its fragments. This is a gift that has become my daily practice and I can only be grateful for this bounty of a life behind me, in front of me, and right here and now. So in spite of it all, when that wise woman asks me again if I’m happy, I can answer unequivocally, yes.

Mine and Jeremiah’s new – and lovely – friend Ying orchestrated this trip for both of us and our other friend Hannah. We visited a Karen (kuh-REN) village and some friends she hadn’t seen in 3 years. Just a 2 hour, 1.50 dollar bus ride out of Chiang Mai City and we were threaded out in traditional Karen clothing, sliding down a waterfall, singing under the night sky, and learning a new language. (My favorite part: our host’s Mom kept on referring to us as her children. Awww!!)

The landscapes: breathtaking. The people: so warm and welcoming. The rice whiskey: a’plenty.

All in all, a phenomenal way to celebrate life, new friends, and the boundless beauty and peace in Thailand.

Photo by: Tyler Batson

You know, you travel and you get to know a lot of people. Most of them bring light to your life; they introduce you to new things, new people, new places, new points of view. Some can change your attitude, some can change your life course, and some just change you… if you’re open to it, that is.

Then there are those that hit you upside the head like a fucking hammer. They make you think, Who the hell is this person? Why are they constantly trying to control their future and holding onto the past? Why can’t they just enjoy this gift that has been given to you here and now? These are questions that have crossed my mind a number of times – and I am none to happy to admit it, because the answer doesn’t exist. The best it can be explained is with nothing. They are the way they are and that’s just it.

But that’s the thing about this whole endeavor. Sure, we’re all strangers, but you assume that everyone is motivated by the same enthusiasm and lust for life and, you know, adventure! You assume that everyone knew – and welcomed! – what they were getting into, that they were open to what the Universe just spilled at their feet. It doesn’t really cross your mind that maybe that person doesn’t really want to be here in the first place. (Even if they mentioned their hesitance before departure or told you they were too controlling.) Then you see tensions arise and you speak your mind, you hear people complain, more answerless questions arise and you realize that that’s just who they are and where they’re at and that’ just fine.

Hence the reason why I haven’t been doing much writing lately. What this trip has shown me up to now is that, if you’re lucky, you don’t have to spend your time pontificating and re-telling every detail with your I’s, me’s and my’s, showering every moment you pass in prose and setting it out to dry. Experience, like people, can just be. I want to show you what I see, unfettered by meticulous editing, so that you can be part of the experience too – hence all the videos. But unfortunately, some things require a few extra words. This is a great experience, but the truth is that it is not all hunky dory. There’s no real “group” to speak of. We are a house divided. It’s seems so strange, but it’s the truth. But if you want a new point of view and you’re open to it here’s one: I want to let people be – be bored, be lonely, be grossed out if they need to be – and I want to just be myself, which thankfully is none of those things. I want to laugh out loud, I want to play my music and dance, I want to meet new people, be silly, and I want to make this life and this beautiful gift of an opportunity SING! And if someone wants to find me guilty of being proactive in these efforts than drop the fuckin’ gavel. That’s just me. And frankly, I’ve never had to deal with people like this before (Jeremiah being a clear exception.) And it’s the “dealing with it” that brings me to write this today. I don’t “deal with” things. Unhappy people make me unhappy. What I seek is happiness, joy, and peace. I don’t see any reason in settling for less. When I’m open, these beautiful things happen organically. Even better, when I’m open to what the Universe and this planet offer me I can better share happiness, joy, and peace with others. My happiness, therefore, is not just about me; it’s about everyone and everything. Think what you will, but I find this way of life difficult to compromise.

There was a time I cared about what people thought; there was a time that I made sure that people liked me and could open up to me; there was a time that I was “the quiet one” – not anymore. The older I get the less I care. Honestly. I’ll admit I’m getting more and more unapologetic about it. I don’t care if you don’t like me, don’t think I’m funny, don’t want to talk to me. Seriously. Every relationship goes both ways. The reason you feel the way you feel has just as much to do with you and your experiences as it does with someone else. But guess what? This isn’t a competition. This is life. This is living. This isn’t my chance to show you how great I am or how adventurous I really am, this just is. And that’s how I’ve been living: spontaneously. Moment to moment. Give it a try. But, hell, if you don’t want to – what are you doing here? Travel is not meant for the rigid, the judgmental, or the anti-social.

So let this be a reminder to everyone: before you make any decision, especially if it’s to travel, make sure you’re open. O.P.E.N.! This is your life, you don’t have to make it a battle and you certainly don’t have to make it a strife for anyone else.

As for me, I’ve been learning a lot. Through what I’m learning, I’m finding that this unapologetic acceptance of existence is not the “superiority complex” that I’ve been accused of having, and it’s not even that I don’t care – it’s just not me. Those who go on measuring people as superior or inferior are themselves insecure and measuring life with the wrong instrument. Before I put anyone down or build them up – travel buddy, monk, mother, or stranger – I’ll take the beat of a drum and measure my life’s rhythm by percussion; I’ll stretch my limbs and dance them awake; I’ll sing, I’ll listen, I’ll jet set zero my ass out of town with nothing in my pockets but will and glorious freedom, and the knowledge that love is everywhere. Show me who you “are” and your show me your ego; just be and you show me your soul, but if you can’t do that, I’ll be moving on, because my soul needs to breathe, to sing, and to dance – and each day’s gifts give me more faith, here in Thailand.

Thai Ty out!

Jean-Pierre and I had two hours to kill in between two of our classes today.

We ended back up at the Crazy Horse rock climbing site. Initially, I wanted to check the cave there that has apparently been decked out with huge Buddhas and dragon style railings.

One wrong entrance later, hiking up the side of a mountain on steep, outdoor makeshift steps, we ended up in the mouth of a random cave.

I’m not even going to front on it, I was scared as shit to go in. This is one of those moments when common sense is screaming for you to turn around, not fuck with mother nature, and keep it moving.

But…then there’s Jean-Pierre. See the problem, and the reason why I do crazy things around this man, is that I trust him. Riding daily on someone’s motorbike at an average of 85 kph will do that to you. I don’t know what it is. I just feel like, even if shit goes down, if he’s there we’ll both get out alive. So, unlike me, I follow him.

The inside of this cave got two reactions.

Mine: “I feel like I’m in the bottom of the cave in the movie Goonies. This feels like a massive fake movie set.”

JP’s: “I feel like I’m in a scene from Jurassic Park and a Velociraptor is just going to come out of no where.”

I can honestly say that I have never seen, nor been in, anything of this magnitude before in my life.

It was terrifying and invigorating all at the same time.

Utterly amazing…Thanks Jean-Pierre for the photo and the memory. Dope.

I love these people!

This weekend was by far the most enlightening weekend I have had in Thailand so far. Tyler and I got the opportunity to stay the weekend in a Karen village, thanks to some awesome new friends we have met here. The scenery on the way to the village is breath-taking. Tucked away in the mountains of Thailand and blanketed with banana trees, it honestly felt like I was living in a scene from “Pocohontas”.

'Life isn't measured by how many breaths you take, rather how many moments take your breath away". This would be one of those moments!

When we first arrived at the village we were greeted with warm smiles from all of our hosts. Peter (one of our hosts) loaded us up in a pick-up truck and took us on a tour of the whole village. We were all smiles watching the scenery pass us by. We started with a little hike to an awesome waterfall where we kicked off our shoes and got the chance to unwind. After the waterfall we loaded back up in the back of the truck and we were headed up the mountain. After riding through some amazing fields of cabbage and corn, we made it to the top of a hill and watched the sunset over the mountains. We then headed back to the village where we were welcomed back with rice whiskey. I myself am not a big drinker, but in the Karen culture it is considered rude to not except anything offered to you. So I had to suck it up and pour the whiskey down the hatch. Many more shots followed while we set Indian style on the balcony of Peters house playing the guitar and singing along to “Hotel California” and many other classic songs. A little inebriated and very tired we went to bed on the floor of the house in a row all snuggled up to one another. The next morning we were woke up by Johnny Cash serenading us on the radio and an extemely annoying rooster who seemed to find pleasure in busting our eardrums. When we eventually arose Peter came into our room with coffee…… and you guessed it Rice Whisky. First thought that came to my mind was, “You’ve got to be kidding me, its 7 a.m.” So we drank our coffee and then we each were offered two shots of the whisky, hesitantly I drank the shots and started my morning. The morning was beautiful, as the low clouds created a mist over the mountain. We headed over to Peters house where breakfast was cooking in a kettle on the floor, we again sat Indian style on the floor of Peters house with the family gathered around and we chowed down like no joke.

It was then time to head out and hit the road. Saying our last goodbyes, we loaded up in the pick-up truck once more and rode out of the village with everyone standing in their yard waving goodbye. I must admit that when I got wind that we would be staying in a village I was a little hesitant about going, but once  by the time we left the village I nearly got teary-eyed when we were saying our goodbyes. It is amazing how these people just open their homes and welcome us into their lives. Peter and his family are some of the most friendly people I have met and it was an honor to be able to see their everyday lives and get to be apart of it. This is honestly what I have been waiting for since arriving in Thailand and I really feel like I got the full experience of Thailand being in the Karen village.

Little did I know my second morning in Cambodia would be full of creatures of the wild. I woke up in a bed of red ants.

Then while walking down the street, in search of breakfast, I found that a Cambodian delicacy is that of eating huge spiders. Cooked tarantulas being sold on a random corner. Sweet. (No, I did not try!)

Going up a mountain to give you the low-down… 1 month in.

Apparently, I have Dengue Fever. Why wouldn’t I? I can now check this off the list of unnecessary shit to go through during life. Another badge of honor. Something else that legitimizes the fact that. “Oh yea, you are a traveler.”

I wish I could say that this was rare, but that would be a lie. I’ve heard more about Dengue Fever here than I have traveling anywhere else. Apparently, there’s been an influx, and Chiang Mai is not out of the line of fire, nor is Cambodia…so we don’t know where I caught it. Yes, I probably ate something shitty in Cambodia, but that doesn’t necessarily equate to Dengue.

All of my inital symptoms have subsided with due diligence and vitamins, but today the dizziness was at a height. Walking to try to get food, while being on a liquid diet for damn near two days, in Thailand heat, left me helpless when I was faced with a trek back home. We’re talking, a five minute walk, that I felt I would have passed out during, if I was to complete it. I hailed a tuk tuk. I’d officially had it. Time for a second opinion.

My male landlord, also known as Thai Dad, is a retired doctor who studied in New York. Luckily, he was home. Excuse me, he was pulling out of his driveway when I came over yelling his name. He took me for food. When he saw the trouble, and painstaking amount of time it was taking for me to get it down, he took me to another hospital.

Enter Rajavej Chiang Mai Hospital.

I’m still not sure what my doctor’s name was. He just told me to call him Will. I dug it. He said what I was feeling was very consistent with what normal foreigners go through when they travel, but that he wanted to check my blood to see if there is any infection. I dug him more, considering the first hospital did no such thing.

Lab. Needle in Arm.

Thirty minutes later, I was called back in with results. Everything was ok, except my white blood cells are about half of what they’re supposed to be.

“I think you get bit by mosquito. Your platelets are normal though so no malaria. I say you have a mild case of dengue fever. It’s almost over, maybe done on Friday. It takes usually one week,” said Will.

“Ok, so there’s no medicine?”

“No, viral. Get more electrolyte packets. You can buy at any store. Make sure you start to eat more. Drink a lot of water and stay away from alcohol. We will schedule another blood test on Friday morning so you can see the difference.”

Thai Dad, Dr. Cosi, took care of me today. We stocked up on electrolyte packets, cough syrup, food, and fluids. He laughed at me. “You can tell crazy story now. I was so sick, and home alone.” As all the guys were gone until the next day. Or so I thought…

I was surprised by two of my favorites  about an hour ago. While I was mixing my concoction, they walked through the door. When I asked why they’d returned so early, Jean-Pierre offered over a “just making sure you’re alright”. I love these dudes…

Ps. For more info on Dengue Fever click here. Inform yourself.
Pps. Fuck mosquitos.
Ppps. Even if I did get this in Cambodia, I’d still go back because it was bomb!