OK, so our jobs suck, I’m not going to sugar-coat it. Yes, these kids do, in fact, enjoy breaking glass and one of Brian’s toddlers did bring a boxcutter to school. They do, on occasion, urinate on themselves and — so I suspect from the prevailing smells — defecate as well. But I’m a positive guy, and I want to share with you some of the upsides and a little cursory advice after two weeks of teaching kindergarten.

Disclaimer: I like kids. I wouldn’t say though that I ever loved kids, or that I was a “kids-person”, the way you can be a cat-person, a dog-person, or a crack-cocaine-person. I’m also not an expert, but these are my theories and my approach.

Kids are simple: their minds and personalities thrive on imitation. You know that annoying way a kid will repeat everything you say? Well that’s how they learned their first language, and that’s how they’ll learn to follow your lead. I usually start with a simple exercise in which I say “Hello!” at varying volumes to a ring of standing children. If I shout, they shout (and I mean shout, kids love making noise); if I whisper, they whisper. Any kid that doesn’t follow my voice tone exactly is eliminated from the game (sit them down). The best part of this is that when things get out of control later, all I have to do is shout “Hello!” as loud as I can and wait for the refrain. Works every time.

Red-light, green-light (or “stop,” “go”), while having absolutely zero educational value, accomplishes the same task. They expend energy running around, they love doing it, and they learn to follow your instructions or they’re out of the game. You can do that too, and if one kid just won’t do what you tell him to, sit them out away from the other children– but do it kindly. Ostracizing a child sends a pretty clear message, and I’ve found they feel guilty regardless of your disdain.

After you do one or both of these exercises (or something similar), you’ve got two built-in control mechanisms. Shout “Hello!” for their attention. Use a variant of RL-GL with flashcards if your lesson falls through. Just remember that kids have a lot of energy, so you have to give that space in whatever you do. If you want them to sit quietly and color, you’re fighting a war you can’t win.

Finally, and most importantly, be kind to the kids. Yeah, they’re a bunch of little bastards most of the time, but that’s how kids are. They run, they break things, they like to annoy you for attention, sometimes they punch you in kidneys or groin. But if you set a kid aside with apparent frustration, he’ll only act worse. Treat him kindly, however, and he may come to want your approval.